The 50 Worst Things Happening in Sales Right Now
Hello again, readers. Looking for sunshine-pumping, ego-stroking and positive vibes? Then get the hell away from this article. Like Santa Claus, I've been watching all of you. Throughout this past year, I've been quietly keeping tabs on my profession. Some of you made my Nice List. Your present will be the sparing of my gift-wrapped rod. Now, as for the rest of you.
I saw you. Read your terrible emails. Got your terrible voicemails. Sat in your terrible demos. Scanned your terrible social media presence. You are all who I'm talking to in this post. Now, my entire supply of coal is powering a life-sized replica of the Polar Express around my estate. So consider this my early Christmas gift to you, the sales industry at-large.
The 50 Worst Things Happening In Sales Right Now
Behold. This all-encompassing list details the most serious transgressions the sales profession has been committing throughout 2016. If you'd like a copy of my exhaustive 237 item list of Worst Things in Sales, email me at email@example.com. In the meantime, here are the Top 50 most frequent, flagrant crimes perpetrated by the sales profession in 2016.
The Worst Types of Rep Behavior
1. Requested a sales meeting. Got a guided product tour.
2. The Re: Subject Line fakout that no one is dumb enough to fall for.
3. Hi %%first_name%%.
4. Opening a cold email with a paragraph long pitch for your product/service.
5. Opening a cold email with a paragraph long pitch stuffed with buzzwords.
6. Reps cowering in fear of the phone.
7. Hilariously artificially inflated rep pipelines.
8. The thinks-it's-clever-but-never-was template email.
9. Trepidation towards the C-Level that verges on terror.
10. Automated follow-ups to non-replies that turn into reps conversating with themselves in my inbox.
The Worst Things About Salespeople
11. Defining products and services around syncophantic buzzwords.
12. The cowards in B2B tech sales who never sell outside their industry.
13. Prospects power tripping on DocuSign redlines.
14. Deals getting shopped around like there's no tomorrow.
15. 22 year old SDRs trying to thought lead.
16. 99.9% of sales podcasts.
17. What passes for sales-marketing alignment these days.
18. The entitlement of these goddamn, impatient kids coming into the profession.
19. The desolate wasteland that is cold calling in 2016.
20. How many of you are still whining about weak leads.
Random Things That Are Infuriating
21. The soon-to-be-shattered dreams of 80% of you who switched to account based sales.
22. The fact that no one's figured out a better term for "account based sales."
23. The number of cold calendar invites in my email graveyard.
24. Timid reps deflecting blame or going radio silent when they me piss off.
25. New hires thinking they're smarter than me and not listening to a goddamned word I say.
26. The hiring process, in general.
27. The last four webinars I've attended.
28. The staggering naivety of first-time reps who think B2B deals will come giftwrapped.
29. The oversegmentation of sales teams.
30. Transitioning a transactional rep into a challenger sales environment.
Technology's Worst Crimes Against Sales
31. The increasingly garish e-signature movement.
32. Every Prospecting Rock Star, Revenue Hacker, Growth Engineer et al that I see on LinkedIn.
33. The managers who are letting these idiots broadcast themselves and their companies that way publicly.
34. The word "brand," in general.
36. Companies clogging my Twitter notifications with clearly company-automated interactions.
37. The industry peer who never repaid my referral from February.
38. Wall-of-text sales decks.
39. The colossal waste of human life that is blind cold outreach.
40. The fact that this imbecile has yet to be charged with libel against our entire profession.
...And the Final Group of Offenders
41. The noticeable difference in how much less money hungry 20-30 year old reps are versus reps who are 35+.
42. The subject of this blog post.
43. How technology is making reps reactive and mechanical as opposed to proactive and dynamic.
44. This new technology called Crystal - scares the absolute s*it out of me.
45. The increasing lag times between closing and commission check arrival for many B2B peers.
46. The fact that so many of you still don't respect your customers.
48. The B2B suicide mission: Reps targeting prospects 2 levels below a decision maker's chain-of-command.
49. Jordannnn Belforrrrrrttttt. That f*cking song dropped last summer guys. Let's move on.
50. Opportunity. A thousand lashes to whoever created this monstrosity.
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